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Six Chimneys



WARNING: Many of the paragraphs which follow are of a deeply tasteless and disgusting nature. Some people may wish to leave the page at this point. Now read on:–

Millions of innocent men, women and children were last week systematically bored to death in one of the most shocking crimes in television history, it emerged in London today.

Eyewitnesses told of whole families being herded into their sitting rooms, where lethal “TV screens” were switched on by high-ranking BBC officials.

Within minutes the victims had been asphyxiated by a deadly double-stream of tastelessness and boredom, manufactured in canisters by a US company specialising in toxic substances.

The so-called ‘final solution’ to the problem of the BBC’s falling ratings was put into effect with typical British efficiency.

The programme was carried out by Obergruppenfuhrer Ian Treblinka and his team over a four day period, in nightly bursts of two hours. At the end of this time, not a single viewer was left alive.

BBC Third Pogrom

The story of the crime that has shocked the world goes back some three years, when a group of then wholly unknown film-makers met in Hollywood, USA, to discuss ways of ‘cleaning up’ on the ‘Jewish problem.’ Their plan was to transport countless millions of dollars from the hands of unsuspecting TV companies into their own pockets.

In the words of one of the men most closely involved, Mr Sam Wanamakerlottamoney, “The lesson of history is clear, and the lesson of the fantastic rating notched up by such historical series as ‘Washington Behind Closed Doors’ is even clearer.

“To clean up, we realised that what was required was something that had never been done before – i.e. to turn mass-killing into mass-entertainment.

Close Encounters of the Third Reich

“We picked on the well-loved old story of Hitler killing the Jews for two reasons:

“1. It is good box-office.

“2. There is a lot of old footage of the real thing which saved us having to build a life-size replica of Auschwitz, and hiring 200,000 starving actors of which there are not many around these days, owing to Social Security, the affluent society and the worldwide availability of Col. Saunders nourishing but tasteless Kosher Chicken Legs.”

From Sueburger, Grabbitburger & Runnburger, Attorneys-at-Law, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Private Eye, p. 12, issue 437, 15 September 1978


New York – Moshe Abrams, leader of the newly founded group, Jews for Gold, has been demanding that NASA reactivate the moon programs to find gold hoarded by the Nazis after WWII.

Newly discovered documents have come to light that show that the Nazis built UFOs and hid millions of tons of stolen tooth-gold at Ancillis on the moon. Mr. Abrams has been demanding that either the American government fund new moon trips, or at least pay the equivalent in money. Mr. Abrams recently stated that, “American lack of interest in this issue borders on anti-Semitism,” but added, “we are glad that the US government is considering retrieving our stolen gold.”

NASA has been given special congressional support and US President, Mr. Cokehead, has set up a special committee to look into these allegations. In his weekly radio address, the President stressed the need for “understanding and tolerance.”

Scientists call the claims ridiculous, but added, “the scientific community should not engage in anti-Semitism because there is a small probability that the claims are accurate.”

Mr. Abrams was not available for comment.

JOKE OF THE WEEK ANALYSIS: Beavercreek submits this week’s winning joke with his submission, “The Pizza.”

Q: What is the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

A: The pizza doesn’t scream when you throw it in the oven.

This joke wins not because of any inherent humor, but rather because of its failure to amuse. It serves, therefore, as a valuable cautionary tale.

The first flaw in the anecdote’s construction is in its gratuitous use of ethnicity as a crutch. To be sure, Jews serve as an invaluable comedy resource. Any joke involving miserliness of any kind can be improved by the addition of a Hebraic surname (or, in the alternative, by the addition of the prefix “Mac.”) But here, “Jewishness” does not improve the comedy one wit. Any ethnicity will scream when placed in an oven. You throw an Irishman into an oven, and see if he doesn’t cry out “Begosh and begorrah, I’ve been thrown into an oven!” So too the Mexican, whose refrain of “Ai yi yi, es mui caliente!” is equally plausible. Indeed, the only person who should ever be thrown into an oven in comedy is Sylvia Plath.

Many of you may object, “But what of the Holocaust? Surely that validates the choice of ‘Jew’ in the set-up?”

Far from it. One must be very careful when relying on history as validation. The Nazis threw very few screaming Jews into the oven. This is not Holocaust revisionism, it’s simply fact. The Germans are a very efficient people, and they killed almost all their victims before disposing of their bodies in factory-like furnaces. To do otherwise would slow their production lines of death down, and that would be intolerable to the German psyche. No, no. The corpses that were thrown into the ovens went in not unlike the aforementioned pizza – silently.

Thus, the fundamental logic of the joke is ruined. The difference does not hold up under historical scrutiny. The listener then, asked to contemplate the difference between a Jew and a pizza, comes up with the answer: “One is a human being with a human soul and a human mind and inherent human dignity, and the other is a molded dough product.”

Why did Hitler kill himself? He got his gas bill.

How do you get 1,000 Jews in a phonebox? Throw in a pound coin. How do you get them out again? Tell them it’s a gas chamber.

Question: What goes “click” 5,999,999 times and then “ding”? Answer: A Jewish cash register.

Prisoners, prisoners today we are having a sports day. The Americans will play football, the English will play cricket and the Jews will play squash. Guards, issue some balls to the Merkins. Guards, issue some bats to the English. Guards, start the bulldozers and start squashing.

Prisoners, prisoners today we are having a sports day. The Americans will play football on the football field, the English will play cricket on the cricket field and the Jews will play hopscotch on the minefield.

Why did so many Jews go to Auschwitz? The fare was free.

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