Many people have written to ask ‘When will my bulbs start to emerge from the soil in nature’s annual miracle?’ ‘How do you do it, Fred?’ they say. ‘Your plants and bulbs come up beautiful. Can I ever learn to have green fingers like you?’

Well, aspiring gardeners take note, the answer lies in the soil. The first thing is to get yourself a good shovel. I have one which has given me good service for many years. The more you aerate the soil the better. Hard work digging holes and filling them in again never did anyone any harm.

The second important thing is fertiliser. There is no substitute for first class fertiliser. I always use the organic product – there’s none better. You need to dig it in deep though, six feet under is best. With the right fertiliser you can get excellent results in even the worst ground – under the foundations of your house, for example.

The first class gardener must be prepared to make sacrifices. You won’t achieve anything without making sacrifices. Family and friends may have to ‘Do their bit.’ I have always worked hard – even at times when other people were abed.

The local police are some of my biggest fans. They know the effort it takes to win the kind of celebrity I now enjoy. ‘Fred,’ they say, ‘You’re a real marvel with your shovel!’

As I tell younger gardeners – you can’t point it out enough – it’s all down to the best fertiliser. That’s why I recently sent myself to the crematorium to be turned into some really first class fertiliser.

Cheers for now, and happy gardening,


Next week: Myra Hindley shares some of her favourite children’s stories.

With acknowledgements to the unfortunately now defunct Rune magazine.

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