The Gospel According to


Recent excavations in the Holy Land have brought to human cognizance this fragment, the only page extant of the Book of Sidney


spoke unto him out of the window in a voice of thunder saying, Begone 8 Ace who is begat of 32 Eiger.
   34 And he took up his tins and dwelt in his shed.


And it came to pass that on the seventh day there came from the North East Sidney, who was begat of his mam who dwelt in the land of Byker.
     2 And he came down unto the town of New Castle to go to the pub to seek his friends.
     3 And he came upon Joe who is begat of Big Joe and Bob and Barry, who is called Baz. And they looked upon their glasses and saw that they were barren. And Sidney was cast forth unto the bar that they be replenished even unto the fourth pint. For it was written that it was His shout.
     4 And Sidney did buy the round and some crisps of salt and vinegar and cheeses and onions and the scratchings of the swine of the fields, even unto two bags. And the others who were gathered looked upon the round and they saw that it was good.
     5 So they sat back and did drink deeply of the lagers and were becalmed. And they began to cast their lecherous eyes upon the women of the pub and they were tempted for they had fashioned their garments one cubit above the knee and did leave little to the imagination, I can tell you.
     6 And their heads were full of unclean thoughts. And Sidney beheld a woman’s jugs and did covet them for they were indeed smashing. And he nudged Barry who is called Baz and passed adulterous comment and blasphemed saying he wouldn’t mind a faceful of them.
     7 But Baz did mock him, saying that he was virgin and chaste and celibate, and that he hath known not a woman though he be one score and eight.
     8 Yet did Sidney answer and spake unto those who sat with him, saying these words were untrue, and that the women he hath known were multitude and numbered more than the lilies of the field or the birds of the air.
     9 But his friends laughed and reproached him saying, cease with these falsehoods, Sidney, for we are wise to your ways. And they accused him saying that he did take up the Freeman’s catalogue and seek the bra pages and spill his seed upon the ground. And they pointed at him and sang cherry boy, cherry boy.
     10 And Sidney rose up and great was his anger.
     11 And he rebuked them in a terrible voice, saying that they were all a bunch of cunts. But yet did they mock him and great was his woe for he knew in his heart that it was true.
     12 And in his wrath he did spill the pint of Dave, who is called Mental who sat at the table on his right hand and his pint was cast upon the sticky carpet. And Mental who had a head of skin looked upon it and great was his displeasure. And Sidney spake to him a parable; Behold, for I want not any trouble. But Mental had got the mist, and lo, the mist was red. And he smiled not upon Sidney, but smote him an mighty blow in the teeth.
     13 And again.
     14 And thrice did he lamp Sidney whose fall was as that of a sack of spuds and great was his suffering.
     15 And they heard the voice of the LANDLORD standing behind the bar. And he was sore vexed and spake unto them in a loud voice saying, Yeez lot, oot.
     16 And Sidney and Joe who is begat of Big Joe and Bob and Barry who is called Baz were cast out into the car park. And there was much cursing of the name of Sidney and much gnashing of teeth and they wished pestilence upon his head.


And it came to pass that after holding counsel they did reach a covenant that they maketh their passage to the house of Ke-Bab, by the bus station. And so they did.
     2 And they entered the house. And they looked upon the kebab revolving on the altar and did ask of themselves what was in it.
     3 And Baz spoke saying that it was made of the nads and the lips and eyelids of the goat and the cow and the sheep and the cat and all the unclean parts thereof, even unto the chopper and ringpiece.
     4 And great was the plague of flies upon the kebab. And the price of the kebabs was one pound and nine and ninety.
     5 And Sidney and Joe who is begat of Big Joe and Bob and Barry who is called Baz spoke saying, Four kebabs pal. And the shopkeeper was called Stavros.
     6 And Stavros said, Seven pound and six and ninety, matey peeps. And he began preparations for their feast and he did scratch his nuts and take the unleavened bread.
     7 And Sidney spoke another parable unto his three disciples; Verily I say unto you, That Dave who is called Mental was geet lucky, for had the LANDLORD not stepped in, yea would I surely have slain the baldy fucker.
     8 And they heard a voice and the voice said, Oh yeah? And they turned about them and beheld Dave who is called Mental, for he had likewise journeyed to the house of Ke-Bab.
     9 And Sidney’s raiments of Levi became besoiled.
     10 And he spoke another parable saying; Hello Dave who is called Mental. I was just talking about another Dave who is called Mental.
     11 But Dave who is called Mental believed not Sidney’s falsehood and great was his wrath.
     12 And mighty was the smoting that Sidney took up the bracket and elsewise. And Joe who is begat of Big Joe and Bob and Barry who is called Baz stepped not in for Sidney, but did look upon their footwear. They denied Sidney and He was forsaken.


And it came to pass that Sidney was put upon a litter. And Joe who is begat of Big Joe and Bob and Barry who is called Baz did journey with him to the land of the Royal General Infirmary, whereupon


Sid the Sexist is Sodothy in ‘The Landlord of Oz’ which plays in Sidney’s head while he is unconscious following another unfortunate encounter

From The Joy of Sexism, John Broon Publishing Ltd., London.

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