- This Contract is made between a party of the second part and a party of the third part, notwithstanding any unforeseen action of the first part, between two parties.
- The second part, the Most Holy and Esteemed World Church of Xion (heretoforeafter referred to as THE CHURCH or CHURCH) takes cognizance of the wickedness of the third part, which is YOU, THE SINNER (heretoforafter referred to as SINNER).
- Lifetime membership of THE CHURCH is free to all. Any SINNER who is not a member of CHURCH is a reprobate PRAM-PUSHER and forever condemned to wallow in wickedness, guilt, self-abasement, perversion and depravity.
(a) By “lifetime” is meant the life of THE CHURCH, not the life of THE SINNER.
(b) Women and girls are offered Associate Membership only and may, from time to time, be called upon to perform certain Services for CHURCH Elders. In recompense for their inferior status within CHURCH, female members are granted lifetime Absolvence for Pramsin.
- SINNER’S only redress and redemption is by purchase of Absolvence in the form of Indulgence Certificates from CHURCH. SINNER agrees that it is right and seemly so to do.
- Money transactions between CHURCH and SINNER are made according to the laws of Great Britain. However if SINNER is engaged in any activity which is illegal, according to SINNER’S local jurisdiction, regardless of where SINNER is situated in the world, CHURCH may, at its sole discretion, require SINNER to purchase supplementary Indulgence Certificates to absolve himself of Localsin.
- SINNER is at all times a SINNER, by definition, but is given Grace, therefore SINNER is less depraved than a PRAM-PUSHER. CHURCH shall levy SINNER at every available opportunity. CHURCH and SINNER shall conspire to levy PRAM-PUSHER at every available opportunity.
- CHURCH undertakes to keep all confessions, revelations, intimacies, trade secrets and other juicy tidbits divulged by SINNER completely confidential, except that in the Quid Pro Quo of Grace exceptions may be made whenever CHURCH feels like it. Confessions may be published if it is deemed in the best interests of CHURCH.
(a) In accordance with the above clause, CHURCH takes this opportunity to inform Mr. P. AKWUBU of 7 THORESBY CRESCENT, GRIMSBY (since he has made numerous submissions, the so-called Spamsin) that sheep-shagging is free and does not require an Indulgence Certificate from CHURCH.
- Liability for Indulgence Certificates and other CHURCH merchandise shall not extend beyond the integrity of the media; in other words, in the case of defective media, the sole liability of CHURCH is to replace it, providing the media has no integrity. In more words, the sole and exclusive undertaking of CHURCH is to replace corrupt media.
- Nothing whatever is offered on a pro capital basis, and any offer which is made carries no guarantees, warranties or liabilities of any kind. SINNER agrees to indemnify CHURCH of any charges, costs, loss of profit due to downtime or any other consequences thereof. SINNER is wholly responsible for his actions.
- SINNER must understand that the heretoforementioned Terms of Contract give CHURCH the right to demand money from SINNER, at any time, without prejudice to any existing claim(s), whenever CHURCH feels like it. As a last resort, if SINNER refuses to settle monies owing, or otherwise breaks the Terms of Contract, CHURCH may, at its sole discretion, suspend SINNER’S account at any time and without notice. (This is especially likely to occur on a Monday morning when CHURCH feels mean.) If CHURCH invokes this clause CHURCH will remove SINNER from its Server by closing SINNER’S account and deleting his files. SINNER must understand that CHURCH can do this at any time, without warning, whenever CHURCH feels like it, and that this procedure is irrevocable.
<!-- Note to Technical Staff: Recovery of files from the Virtual CHURCH Servers is possible using an undocumented retroactive feature of the Incremental Daily-Adjusted BakBot Processor, unscheduled execution of which incurs a one-time levy of 1,000 shekels, the Incremental Weekly Sortout Service Charge. CHURCH will then resume demanding money from SINNER as before. -->
- CHURCH shall not be liable for any consequences arising from its failure to supply Indulgence Certificates at the appropriate time due to Acts of God The Higher Authority, or the Humberside Police, or any consequence of the activities of Special Branch or other minions and agents employed directly or indirectly by the Board of Deputies of British PRAM-PUSHERS, including and not limited to the Pro-Stasi League, the Marxist Wankers Party, Abortion Action, deranged women prematurely released from mental hospital or the Secret Service of any one of a number of Nation States.
- CHURCH undertakes not to publish, display or otherwise promote anything which is boring, passé, imitative, limp-wristed, feminine or orthodox because to do so would incur the Wrath of God The Higher Authority. SINNER agrees that whatever the heathen, the mobilis vulgus, the PRAM-PUSHERS think about it matters not one jot.