Sketch by Wojtek Kozak    

Essential Dating Tips for Men

  1. Hospital emergency rooms are great places to go to catch chicks on the rebound. Hang out in the waiting room until a woman (a good looking one if you’re picky) gets the news that her significant other has croaked. Then walk up and say something like, “I couldn’t help but hear about your loss. You have a nice smile. Want to get some sushi?” This should work. If by some chance it doesn’t, start following her around everywhere she goes – the mortuary – the psychiatrist’s office – the cemetery, always with gifts like change and bits of paper to shower her with (she’ll have enough flowers by then, so don’t bring those). If she still won’t accept you as her new lover, write a pointed letter of complaint to your local newspaper.
  2. When you’re out at a restaurant with a girl, order a glass of wine. When it comes, knock it over onto the table and stare at her. Order something that comes with French fries and say, “I’m going to eat the French fries first. ” Then, when the food comes, eat the French fries first and say, “See, I told you so.”
  3. Girls are attracted to firemen and guys who make a lot of money. An outfit consisting of a business suit accessorized by a briefcase, fire boots, a fireman’s helmet and a Dalmatian is guaranteed to get you noticed.
  4. More sophisticated women respect men who read a lot. If you’re out with a woman like this but don’t read, do your best to fake it. Tell her you read lots of books. If she asks you which ones, tell her it’s none of her fucking business.
  5. It’s very important to make a good impression on a girl’s parents when meeting them for the first time. Ask the old man what he does for a living, and no matter what it is, say, “I knew that already. I was just trying to make conversation.” If you’re offered something to drink, announce that you’re already drunk. Then say, “I’m just kidding.”
  6. Girls love talking about themselves, especially about their bowel movements and menstrual cycles. When you’re on a date, steer the conversation toward these topics.
  7. If you’re at the movies with a girl, tell her you’re going to go get some popcorn, but leave the theatre instead and drive to a supermarket and buy some pork chops. Then, go to the girl’s house, break in and cook the chops. When the girl gets home she’ll be very impressed because girls like surprises.
  8. Girls really like it when a guy’s pants fall down. Unbutton the button on your pants, loosen your belt and put your hands in your pockets so that you can hold them up in the least conspicuous way possible. Then, walk into a place where there are a lot of women – like an aerobics class or a breast cancer support group – and let them go. Shout, “Oh, look at that. My pants fell down. HAHA!” They’ll be all over you.
  9. If your date is imaginary, make sure she’s not sitting next to any big hot-tempered men when you ask her to come back to your place.


We asked Dr Katherine Jenkins, world-renowned expert on male-female psychology, to devise a list of the best methods for seducing women. Here is what she came up with.

Good Luck!

Abandon Hope

Ogre Littletroll

Woman is not human. Not in the sense we know. Although they resemble humans and mimic some of our behavior, Woman is more like a snake with tits and an ass.

They live according to a different set of rules than what we would consider fair and ethical. Woman acts and speaks according to whatever suits her emotional needs in the moment; and in doing so, anything is fair game. Lying, cheating, betrayal, nagging, and various forms of cruelty are all acceptable, provided that she feels her actions are justified, but regardless of how absurd her criteria for justification may be. Breaking appointments is perfectly acceptable and require no explanation.

Woman desires power. She may want to be equal to Man but she desires what is superior to her. Woman is constantly at odds with herself; she wants what she can’t have; and when she gets what she wants she no longer wants it.

Woman is a whore; this is her natural state. She wants to be ravaged like a piece of meat; she wants to be violated; to be raped, to be sodomized. She is vile and perverted. Woman despises herself, and although she may want respect, she despises those who yield it to her.

Man is an emotional creature; affectionate, loyal, loving, fair and just. This is his natural state. Men who are not like this have only learned to become so through emulating the behavior of Woman, or have otherwise become corrupted due to emotional abuse.

Woman has the ability to do Man great emotional harm. Woman takes delight in manipulating the emotions of men so as to cause us anger, frustration, confusion, profound sadness and blind rage. She does this, whether knowingly or not, to test the emotional fortitude and power of men, to measure her own power, to feed her ego, to validate herself, or many other reasons. At no time does she feels her actions are immoral, no matter how cruel they may be. If the man retaliates, in an attempt to safeguard his emotional well-being, it is, in our legal system, a prosecutable crime.

But herein lies insight to understanding woman’s desire. As previously stated, Woman desires what is superior to her. If a woman can control a thing, she is superior to it, and ergo does not desire of it. If she cannot control it, it must therefore be superior, and ergo she feels desire for it. This explains why Woman will do things which seem cruel to us, but to her, it is only her way of testing a man’s desirability, although she may not be aware of this consciously.

Woman desires what she cannot have. She is attracted to married men, homosexual men, and the otherwise “taken,” and may go to great extremes to sabotage a man’s bonds with another so that she may have him to herself. Such a man is difficult to emotionally manipulate, since his needs are already met. Woman must go to great lengths to win him over. The greater the effort she must make, the more she desires him. Woman desires a challenge.

But the man who is single and available, willing and ready, this she finds repulsive. There goes a man who is free for the taking; to have and to hold; loyal and true; Woman regards him with disgust.

The single man truly has a dilemma. The single man is lonely; and as such is emotionally frail and vulnerable; he is easily manipulated by Woman and ergo undesirable. The very thing he needs to cure him of his vulnerability is the thing he cannot attain; and the greater his need, the more unattainable it becomes.

So then, what can such a man do?

A man must extinguish his desires, as in the Buddhist way of non-attachment. Buddhism states that desire is the cause of suffering; nowhere is this more obvious than in the case of the single man. If you desire something it has power over you; and if it is a woman you desire then she has that power; the very power that, once yielded to her, repels her.

The single man must give her NOTHING.

This is easier said than done, however. Woman is clever. It is only a matter of time before she finds a way to push through your cool exterior, drops your defenses, makes you feel safe, reaches in and pulls out your carefully guarded innate desire. (The so-called “inner wuss.”)

And when that happens, she suddenly drops your sorry ass like a rock.

And the closer you got to attaining your desire, the harder was the fall.

Ultimately, what is the goal? Is the goal for the single man to acquire the thing that he desires? Actually, no. The goal is for the single man to acquire emotional well-being. He must safeguard this well-being above all else. How does he do this? By not sticking his neck out, or his head up, or his dick out, or his heart on his sleeve, however you want to put it, in harms way, where it can get cut off. And the only way to avoid a fall is to stay down.

The one thing that causes the single man’s downfall, every time, is hope. The deluded belief that this time it will be better; this time it will be different; this time it’s going to work out. Once he feels hope, he suddenly exposes himself emotionally, and, with penis flapping about in the wind for all to see, happily hands Woman his testicles so that she can gleefully crush them.

Do I propose that the single man simply not approach Woman? Not at all.

I suggest that he may do so, but only with the thought in mind that he will be rejected. Not might, but will, without doubt. If not today, then tomorrow. In effect, he has already been rejected even before approaching her. That being the case, she can’t hurt him – he is already dead. Although he may find her desirable, he hopes for nothing, and expects nothing. Without expectation, he is free to interact with the woman and let that interaction run it’s course, wherever it goes. The man must suppress any delusion of hope. It is a mental discipline. In effect all he must do is not yield to the temptation to place his emotional well-being in harm’s way.

This is nothing new; I am only adapting the Samurai philosophy of the Resolute Acceptance of Death. The warrior goes into battle knowing he is already dead; therefore he has nothing to fear. In the same way, the single man engages a woman knowing he has already been rejected.

If the single man is going to feel anything it should be fear. Not fear of rejection, but the fear of a person who can cause him great emotional harm. Here is someone who can hurt him and should be regarded as an opponent in battle. This man must face his fear and engage his opponent. She will try to raise his hopes. She does this whether knowingly or not; she may be testing him; she may just want to validate her own ego, to test her own power.

A taken man is impervious to her machinations; there is already another woman, or perhaps many women in his life, that draw his emotional attention away from her. But the single man does not have this advantage. It is not enough to require of the single man to free himself of desires; sooner or later, Woman will find them. The single man must have something as his focus, his anchor, his center, to keep from straying into harm’s way. What the single man has is rejection. He has his long history of failure as proof in validation of his pessimism. As long as he keeps this constant thought in the center of his interaction with her, he will remain serene, focused, and impervious to Woman’s manipulations. He must remain confident in his own pessimism.

I then put forth the possibility, hypothetically speaking, that in doing so, the single man, being of serene and focused mind, emotionally impenetrable, free of attachment, centered and disciplined, may start to appear desirable to Woman. And as her efforts to break his focus continuously fail, she will grow frustrated and try even harder. Thusly the seeds of attraction are sown within her and shall begin to grow into desire.

The World’s Shortest and Best Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl “Will you marry me? ” The girl said, “NO!” And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting and played around a lot and drank beer and Captain and Cokes whenever he wanted.


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