Image from the website

Roses are red, violets are blue


On February the 14th Valentine’s Day will be here again, and thousands of hopeful lonely hearts up and down the country will be sending cards and flowers.

As always, they’ll be hoping that this year Cupid’s arrow will strike, and their Valentine will fall for them. For men sending a Valentine can be a pretty expensive business, with cards alone costing upwards of a pound, and postage to pay on top of that. And roses can cost anything up to £3 each as greedy florists cash in on the romantic mood.

So it pays to stop and consider for a moment – is she the sort of girl who’s going to make it worth your while? Or are you wasting time and money barking up the wrong tree?

Here’s a simple questionnaire to help you judge for yourself. For each question simply choose the answer (a), (b) or (c) which best suits her. Then tot up your score and all will be revealed!

  1. She has planned to go out for a drink with a few friends. Suddenly, she realises she doesn’t have any clean knickers to wear. The taxi is waiting at the door. What would she do?

    (a) Cancel the taxi and stay at home for the evening instead.
    (b) Sling on a dirty pair. It’s only for one night, and no-one’s going to notice.
    (c) Go out wearing a short skirt, high heels and no knickers at all.

  2. At the end of a night out she is about to board the last bus home when she suddenly realises she has no money left. What would she do?

    (a) Ring her father and ask him to come and collect her.
    (b) Walk home, convincing herself the exercise will do her good.
    (c) Offer to sit on the driver’s knee, and promise him a bumpy ride if he lets her off with the fare.

  3. What sort of school did she go to?

    (a) A mixed secondary modern school.
    (b) A posh school, where they play hockey and wear hats.
    (c) A Roman Catholic, girls only Convent School, where all the teachers are nuns and the world ‘boys’ is not allowed.

  4. Which subjects interested her most at school?

    (a) Difficult things like Latin, Sciences or English Literature.
    (b) The usual subjects. Cookery, needlework and netball.
    (c) Pulling off boys behind the bike sheds.

  5. When did she leave school?

    (a) Not until the age of 21, after completing a swotty career at University.
    (b) After taking her ‘O’ levels, aged 16 or 17.
    (c) At the age of 14 after setting up home with the maths teacher.

  6. If she had the choice of these three holidays, which one would she prefer?

    (a) A two week brass rubbing holiday in Lincolnshire, spent cycling around interesting churches and cathedrals in the area.
    (b) A couple of weeks camping in France.
    (c) A raunchy, booze soaked Club 18 to 30 topless ‘sun, sea, sand and sex’ orgy style holiday in Ibetha.

  7. How do you think she spends her typical Sunday morning?

    (a) Going to church with the family, then perhaps helping dad wash the car.
    (b) Lazing around the house, watching telly or listening to records.
    (c) Sleeping off a stinking hangover before getting up at midday and going home.

  8. If your Valentine was given a Marks & Spencer gift voucher to the value of £25, how would she spend it?

    (a) On a selection of thermal underwear, or a pair of sensible shoes.
    (b) On a brightly coloured cardigan, or a nice but plain nightie.
    (c) On a pair of red nylon split crotch panties and a large tub of Vaseline. And a cucumber.

  9. If she walked into the pub and you offered her a drink, what would she have?

    (a) A fruit juice – she never touches alcohol.
    (b) Just a half of lager.
    (c) Nothing. She’s already drunk half a bottle of vodka in the phone box outside just before she came in.

  10. What sort of film whould she most like to go and see?

    (a) A real slushy romance, like ‘Gone With The Wind.’ Or perhaps ‘The Sound of Music.’
    (b) An all-action thriller, like ‘Terminator,’ or maybe ‘Fatal Attraction.’
    (c) A filthy ‘X’ certificate French porno movie in a seedy cinema with plenty of room in the back row for her to perform various lurid sex acts.

  11. In a restaurant she orders sausage and mash, but when the food arrives she notices that the chef has accidentally put cheese sauce on the end of her sausage. What would she do?

    (a) Refuse to touch it until it had been returned to the kitchen and the offending sauce removed.
    (b) Simply ignore it and enjoy her meal.
    (c) Take the sausage in her hand and slowly lick the sauce off with her extended tongue.

  12. She’s doing a spot of decorating when she accidentally gets a bit of wallpaper paste in her mouth. What would her reaction be?

    (a) She’d be horrified, would spit it out immediately, and be sick.
    (b) She wouldn’t be too concerned, and would simply spit it back into the paste bucket.
    (c) She would swallow it, then go over to the bucket and rub some more on her tits.

How did she do?

Now add up your Valentine’s score and see how she did. Award no points for each answer (a), 2 points for a (b) and 3 for a (c).

15 or less: A dismal score. You’ll get nowt off this bird.

16 to 29: Average: Your bird falls into a grey area.

30 or over: Roses are red, violets are blue. This bird’s a go-er, she’ll do it for you! Congratulations, you’ve picked a winner. A cheap card or a tatty flower delivered on the 14th should be all you need to access her pants.

From Viz, issue 58, February/March 1993

      Main Directory      

–– The Heretical Press ––