|My old neighbour, Mrs. Peggy McPherson, pointing to the famous drain|
PLUMBING WITH DENNIS NILSEN
Blocked drains are often a problem householders have to face and in the warmer times of year the smell emanating from blocked sewers can be awful. As a first line of attack on a seriously constricted refuse chute I recommend hot water and salt, followed by Domestos, Harpic, concentrated nitric acid (if available) and any other corrosive liquid you happen to have lying around, although one has to be careful with certain combinations of weedkiller and fertiliser as these can blow the gaff. For larger blockages (fleshy matter, matted hair etc.) hot water and caustic soda may be effective, but solids (i.e. bone) should really have been ground beforehand and if I had my chance again I’d invest in one of those handy waste-disposal units which can be installed under the kitchen sink in half a day or so. These can certainly save you from plumbing the depths!
I don’t get much chance to do DIY in my prison cell now but since I won’t be moving house for a while I thought I’d make the place cosy and I leave a few joints of beef left over from the Sunday dinners lying around, just to make me feel at home. Of course I can’t put fellow members of the Socialist Workers’ Party and Anti-Nazi League up on my sofa like I used to in Muswell Hill – none of the newspapers or magazines mentioned that I was a member of the SWP for some reason – but I get Militant and Socialist Worker sent in regularly to keep me up to date. In fact I have lots of perks as the screws know that I know that I’ll never get out, and they’re afraid that I’ll use my special necktie again just to relieve the boredom. No matter how crowded the prison gets, I always have a cell to myself. I’m hoping they’ll let me have a body in my cell to play with on Christmas Day.
That’s it for now,
Next week: Peter Sutcliffe writes on ‘How to Treat a Lady.’